apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
