Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
