I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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