just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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