508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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