My hand turned me down
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
