jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
