Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
