A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
