I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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