she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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