im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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