She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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