I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
