Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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