Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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