So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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