Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
