Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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