I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize