just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
