He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
