I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
