Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize