Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
