oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
