About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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