As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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