Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
