i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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