i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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