he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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