what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
People in love make me want to vomit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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