so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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