You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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