my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
