I've blown a few things in my day
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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