I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Two words: blizzard sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
