is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You did what with his pubic hair?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
