Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
