the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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