I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
