a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
