:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
