you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
