We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
