i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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