Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
