I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
