he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
