I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
