So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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