I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
