I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My feet surprised me
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