I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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