I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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