How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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