just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
People in love make me want to vomit
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
