end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
