We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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