Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you had me at cake vodka
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
