I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
